How can I learn more about myself?

Obviously, every day of this human life is a learning experience. But sometimes I feel aggravated because I wish I know more about myself. There are so many things that I don't pay attention to. Sometimes my focus is so narrow that I don't see anything else. I hate that I'm that way but I'm not sure how you can make psychological changes. I think writing is definitely one of them.

After I knew Joe for a while, he started telling me things that about myself that I had never even realized. That scared me and irritated me because I felt evaded that I did not recognize these things myself. Last night we were talking and I decided to write some of them down bceuase after we talk I tend to forget everything he told me and made me realize. For one, I have trust issues and I'm not sure why. My trust is going to depend on the type of relationship I have with that person. And to be honest Joe has never done anything to make me distrust him. He has more issues with trust that I do, yet he's let go of his insecurities and he has full trust in me. I feel as if I almost don't deserve that. However, doesn't everybody have insecurities? Surely they do because insecurities are fears and everyone fears something. Anyhow, I think I made up some make-believe perception of Joe being this guy who isn't really interested in me and I shield myself incase he hurts me. So that's the reason I don't let myself fully trust him. It's more on my account than his.

Another thing he brought to my sight was the fact that I never think about things before I say them. That makes me feel so dumb lol. Why do I not think about things and think about how others would react to my words? Does that make me selfish? I will try to work on that as well.

I would like to try to be more open-minded and think about other peoples feelings but its all a struggle and its going to take time. I hope writing a blog like this will help lead me down the path I need to get there.

I have off from work tomorrow so that means a 3 day weekend! Mom is down so it will be nice to spend some time together. Then I work Monday and have the rest of the week off for Thanksgiving.

I'll write soon.

Anxiety!

So I had my second anxiety attack in the last week and it's freaking me out. Last night I went through some drama with my brother and he said some of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me. It didn't hurt me that he said them because I know he is a different person because of the drugs but it more so hurt that my brother- my own flesh and blood- would disrespect me in such a manner! Ya know you'd think your brother would be there for his younger sister in any way possible, to worry about her well-being and to almost protect her. However I guess the cause of his anger is not only the drugs, but because I said something kind of hurtful. How can I not cut him out of my life? He is one of the most selfish people I know! I have always cared about him SO much but it finally got to the point where he was bold-face lying to me and trying to manipulate me. Anyways I don't know what to think. I cried after we got off the phone. It felt better to know that he doesn't just hate me, he hates my sister Jen and my mom even! How can you be so rude to your own mother? I think my brother is going to have a rude-awakening after he dies and not only views his life but FEELS how he made other people feel. The pain and sorrow that he has caused this family is so immense, and he has no conception of how much pain and negativity he has spread and at the same time, didn't care how we felt. The reason for my anxiety lately is because I have been just thinking a lot about life and when I do, it tends to feel like all this horrible, sad, and scary feelings and thoughts hit me. This morning on the way to work, I just kept thinkign about how my brother said I was essentially DEAD TO HIM. He no longer wanted anything to do with me because I spoke to his ex-wife. How could he say that. After we hung up the phone last night, my sister Jen suggested that I call him back and apologize for putting that message up on Michelle's myspace but I decided not to. He's the type of person who isn't going to care if you apologize and he's so high and angry, he would just continue to argue and not let you talk. But ya know let's turn the tables for a minute and imagine if I died. Now, I would hope this isn't going to happen anytime soon, but if I died, would my brother go to my funeral? I would assume he would and if he didn't would he feel bad that he said that I was 'dead' to him when I was alive? Maybe he wouldn't even remember. I feel such sorrow for his soul. I'm very unsure of where he will end up after death- heaven or hell. Of course I like to be positive and say that he does have a good 'sober' heart but with the impact he's made on this world through us and bouncing out likea ring affect on people as a whole, I just don't know and am fearful for his judgment.

When I had my panic/anxiety attack this morning and I was thinking about so many bad things in this life, my chest tightens up and I feel like I can't breath. I feel scared and I want to cry but at that time I don't want to talk to anyone about it. My stomach feels like it has a huge knot in it and I feel so unsure about everything. I've never had these type of anxieties before and it is scary. Well I will write more later. TTYL♥

7 day stretch

Wow I am so burnt out right now because I worked this past weekend and I'm running on a 7-day stretch. This is only day 5 and I feel like my week should be over now lol. I'm excited to go home to PA with my sister this weekend and to see Joe. However, I did just see Joe last weekend :) I had a really nice time with him. Last night I hung out with my good friend Nathan, and he is such a sweetheart. I would trust that man with my life. We are sort of the same as far as the way we think and feel. We are both spiritual and caring. As we sat at the bar and talked about when I worked with him 2 summers ago, I reminisced about everyone at Alpha and wished I could go back to that job. I didn't truly value that job until I was gone which isn't that the way life goes? You never fully appreciate things until they are gone. God truly blessed me with the PERFECT internship I could have asked for. It was so educational and gave me some great experience. Well I received a message from Nathan this morning saying that Javier (the president) is transferring and he was the main reason I couldn't go back to my internship for a full time job because he didn't want to pay another salary. Now that's he's leaving, Nate said that they will be hiring a new lab person and I hope to God it will be me! I'm just hoping they can pay me the same or more than I am making at my current job. Anyways I'ts kind of exciting to think about working in that field again. I was so excited to go in everyday and observe the bacteria. I really love bacteria haha im a geek. Anyways I'll write later. Wish me a fast rest of the week lol I wish it was over already!!