Wishin I only had someone to talk to...

I hate my life right now because I have no one that I could possibly talk to about anything right now. It's so hard living with my sister and every little thing I do, she tells Alex. I'm so sick of it. My emotions are in a complete uproar and every single minute I either feel like crying, screaming, or I feel irritated or crabby. I feel frustrated or sad. I have no positive feelings at all anymore. It's only been two days and I already feel like this. So, do I have a chemical imbalance? Probably but I really don't want to be on drugs for it. I just wish I had someone to talk to about all this without them thinking I'm fucked up or for them to just sit there and listen but not really care. I want someone to listen and to say, Laura, I know exactly where your coming from. I want someone to reassure me that everything's gonna be okay and that I gotta just try to hold my head up until I get over this hump. Hopefully its just a hump. Right now I'm crying and I feel so crummy inside. I'm so tired and I feel really worn out, emotionally. The puppy has been stressing me out and on top of it, all my sister does is make me feel bad for not giving Skylee enough attention. Skylee is and always was a loner and I know she is upset that I got the puppy, but I can't FORCE Skylee to be around me when she doesn't want to be. I'm sick of Jen constantly harping on me about it and making me feel bad and I'm probably going to flip out on her the next time she says anything about it and just tell her to fucking take care of Sky then - If she is so fucking concerned. I just wanna live life and be happy and at this point I am completely lost and don't know how to do that. HELP :( Well goodnight.

Two men I love

Last Thursday on my lunch break, I went to the mall to just peruze and decided to stop and look at the puppies in the pet store. I should have known that if I went in there, I was going to fall in love and surely, I did. I bought a white male toy poodle. He is so adorable..Look...




His name is Halo. It took me a while to come up with the name because it's just not an easy thing to decide on lol. First I was going to name him Rocco. Then my dad suggested Linus and finally, Alex suggested Halo and I felt as though that fit him best.

So on Friday, I ended up taking him to Joe's. Joe was really upset that I spent so much money on a dog and he really wasn't keen on the idea of me bringing him but he said okay and I was excited. Halo was so calm and tired when I first got him probably due to stress but now he's kinda hyper and plays a lot. So Joe and I had such a nice, fun, loving weekend. It was nice to have the puppy there for us to hug and play. I sorta felt like we had a little family because Joe and I would cuddle and the puppy would lay inbetween us lol. It was really nice. Joe's mother loved the pup. I think she actually wants to get one now. Their dog died about a month ago from old age and him and his mother have been really upset since then. I think it was spiritually and emotionally refreshing for them to have the new puppy around. It added some spice to the house :) Anyways I laughed on Sunday when Joe and I were in the kitchen and mom mentioned about getting him a puppy for Christmas and he looked at her like she was crazy lol. He told me prior to coming up with the pup that she was probably going to want a puppy after I left.

I am very much in love with Joe yet I am so confused and unsure of our future. How can we possibly be together at this point? I know if I moved home, we could make our relationship more serious such as possibly living together for example but then I'm just not sure if I see myself being with Joe on such a permanent basis. I don't know that I would be able to do all the things in life that I desire to do. Our relationship has evolved tremendously since I moved down to Baltimore and it just amazes me. We have more trust, more respect and more consideration for one another. We talk every day and he is truly my best friend. I just spent a ton of money on my license plate and drivers license and I feel as though this move is not the least bit reversible at this point. I mean, it is, but not reversible in a smooth way. Plus the job situation is tough too and I don't know where I would work up in PA. Also the last thing that bothers me is the area and the people. I've lived there my whole life. Anyways I don't know and it's not something I'm going to just figure out overnight.

Life goes on day by day....

How can I learn more about myself?

Obviously, every day of this human life is a learning experience. But sometimes I feel aggravated because I wish I know more about myself. There are so many things that I don't pay attention to. Sometimes my focus is so narrow that I don't see anything else. I hate that I'm that way but I'm not sure how you can make psychological changes. I think writing is definitely one of them.

After I knew Joe for a while, he started telling me things that about myself that I had never even realized. That scared me and irritated me because I felt evaded that I did not recognize these things myself. Last night we were talking and I decided to write some of them down bceuase after we talk I tend to forget everything he told me and made me realize. For one, I have trust issues and I'm not sure why. My trust is going to depend on the type of relationship I have with that person. And to be honest Joe has never done anything to make me distrust him. He has more issues with trust that I do, yet he's let go of his insecurities and he has full trust in me. I feel as if I almost don't deserve that. However, doesn't everybody have insecurities? Surely they do because insecurities are fears and everyone fears something. Anyhow, I think I made up some make-believe perception of Joe being this guy who isn't really interested in me and I shield myself incase he hurts me. So that's the reason I don't let myself fully trust him. It's more on my account than his.

Another thing he brought to my sight was the fact that I never think about things before I say them. That makes me feel so dumb lol. Why do I not think about things and think about how others would react to my words? Does that make me selfish? I will try to work on that as well.

I would like to try to be more open-minded and think about other peoples feelings but its all a struggle and its going to take time. I hope writing a blog like this will help lead me down the path I need to get there.

I have off from work tomorrow so that means a 3 day weekend! Mom is down so it will be nice to spend some time together. Then I work Monday and have the rest of the week off for Thanksgiving.

I'll write soon.

Anxiety!

So I had my second anxiety attack in the last week and it's freaking me out. Last night I went through some drama with my brother and he said some of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me. It didn't hurt me that he said them because I know he is a different person because of the drugs but it more so hurt that my brother- my own flesh and blood- would disrespect me in such a manner! Ya know you'd think your brother would be there for his younger sister in any way possible, to worry about her well-being and to almost protect her. However I guess the cause of his anger is not only the drugs, but because I said something kind of hurtful. How can I not cut him out of my life? He is one of the most selfish people I know! I have always cared about him SO much but it finally got to the point where he was bold-face lying to me and trying to manipulate me. Anyways I don't know what to think. I cried after we got off the phone. It felt better to know that he doesn't just hate me, he hates my sister Jen and my mom even! How can you be so rude to your own mother? I think my brother is going to have a rude-awakening after he dies and not only views his life but FEELS how he made other people feel. The pain and sorrow that he has caused this family is so immense, and he has no conception of how much pain and negativity he has spread and at the same time, didn't care how we felt. The reason for my anxiety lately is because I have been just thinking a lot about life and when I do, it tends to feel like all this horrible, sad, and scary feelings and thoughts hit me. This morning on the way to work, I just kept thinkign about how my brother said I was essentially DEAD TO HIM. He no longer wanted anything to do with me because I spoke to his ex-wife. How could he say that. After we hung up the phone last night, my sister Jen suggested that I call him back and apologize for putting that message up on Michelle's myspace but I decided not to. He's the type of person who isn't going to care if you apologize and he's so high and angry, he would just continue to argue and not let you talk. But ya know let's turn the tables for a minute and imagine if I died. Now, I would hope this isn't going to happen anytime soon, but if I died, would my brother go to my funeral? I would assume he would and if he didn't would he feel bad that he said that I was 'dead' to him when I was alive? Maybe he wouldn't even remember. I feel such sorrow for his soul. I'm very unsure of where he will end up after death- heaven or hell. Of course I like to be positive and say that he does have a good 'sober' heart but with the impact he's made on this world through us and bouncing out likea ring affect on people as a whole, I just don't know and am fearful for his judgment.

When I had my panic/anxiety attack this morning and I was thinking about so many bad things in this life, my chest tightens up and I feel like I can't breath. I feel scared and I want to cry but at that time I don't want to talk to anyone about it. My stomach feels like it has a huge knot in it and I feel so unsure about everything. I've never had these type of anxieties before and it is scary. Well I will write more later. TTYL♥

7 day stretch

Wow I am so burnt out right now because I worked this past weekend and I'm running on a 7-day stretch. This is only day 5 and I feel like my week should be over now lol. I'm excited to go home to PA with my sister this weekend and to see Joe. However, I did just see Joe last weekend :) I had a really nice time with him. Last night I hung out with my good friend Nathan, and he is such a sweetheart. I would trust that man with my life. We are sort of the same as far as the way we think and feel. We are both spiritual and caring. As we sat at the bar and talked about when I worked with him 2 summers ago, I reminisced about everyone at Alpha and wished I could go back to that job. I didn't truly value that job until I was gone which isn't that the way life goes? You never fully appreciate things until they are gone. God truly blessed me with the PERFECT internship I could have asked for. It was so educational and gave me some great experience. Well I received a message from Nathan this morning saying that Javier (the president) is transferring and he was the main reason I couldn't go back to my internship for a full time job because he didn't want to pay another salary. Now that's he's leaving, Nate said that they will be hiring a new lab person and I hope to God it will be me! I'm just hoping they can pay me the same or more than I am making at my current job. Anyways I'ts kind of exciting to think about working in that field again. I was so excited to go in everyday and observe the bacteria. I really love bacteria haha im a geek. Anyways I'll write later. Wish me a fast rest of the week lol I wish it was over already!!

It's Friday! Before I get too excited, I realize that I work the weekend :( But no worries. Working the weekend is not as bad as it sounds. Tonight my sister, Alex and I are going to a haunted house and I love them! Then, tomorrow night my friend Justin is coming to visit. That should be fun too. It looks more and more like Fall outside which is my favorite season however its definitely not as beatuful as fall in Pennsylvania. I'm really glad that I am living and working down here in Maryland.

I cannot wait until I have my microbiologist job. I know that I will feel so much more awesome about what I do. Not that I don't like my job now, its a great job, just not what I want to be doing. I was watching the news the other day and all they talked about for the whole two hours I watched it was MRSA. That's Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. Staphylococcus aureus is already present on your body everyday however the MRSA strain of bacteria is resistant to the common antibiotics - Penicillin and methicillin. It's pretty scary since it spreads through skin contact and sharing drinks. It's becoming more prominent in schools, dormitories, and places where communties of people are in presence with one another. Although I hate the fact that bacteria mutate and develop resistances to antibiotics and that we don't yet have a cure for viruses, at least I know that my job will always be needed. That's what always amazed me about microbiology, the thought that these animals unseen by the naked eye can affect our bodies in not only detrimental ways, but beneficial ways too. I'm such a geek but I love it :)

So it's Sunday and I've had a fantastic last week. This past Thrsday I went to Arnold, Maryland to visit an old friend my highschool. She and I had a blast. We went to a sports bar and has some drinks and an appetizer then went back to her house and hung out. It was really nice spending time and talking with her after not really talking to her in the last 5 years.
Friday night I didn't do much but stay in and relax. I went to get dinner aft a local restaraunt and I accidentally locked my keys in my car. I've been having a major problem lately with locking myself out somewhere, or losing things. I've lost my work keys and my ATM card. I also locked myself out of my sisters house one morning on accident. The reason I locked my keys in my car is because I was lookign for my credit card and when I finally found it, I wasn't focused on what I was doing and ended up locking the doors with the keys in the ignition. Thank God the Italian guys came out to help me. I really appreciated it because I don't know what I would have done! I would have had to walk home which was only a few miles but it was cold and I had no jacket. Also I didn't have an extra key anywhere! It was embaressing but I thank God that they helped me :)

I worked on Saturday and my friend from college, Alli, came down to visit me! We had a couple of glasses of wine when she got there and then we went out to dinner. We went out in downtown Canton and had dinner and everything about it was amazing; the atmosphere, the food, the drinks and the people walking around. I couldn't have asked for a better dinner environment. It really gave us a feel for the hustle and bustle of Baltimore. Then we went to another bar down the road from where I live and played like four games of pool. I was getting pretty tipsy by this point but I had so much fun. We then walked home and went to bed.

So today I am at work yet again but I only have an hour and a half of work left Thank God! I feel tired and I've been so busy lately I haven't had a chance to get any work done! My room looks like a bomb went off. Well I will get to it and hopefully this coming week will be a little less crazy!

I'll be sure to write later! ♥